The Last Thing on my Mind
by BaronessBlixen
Summary: AU: Where do you go when the love of your life is gone – and never even knew how you felt? Sort of post- "Moon Dance". Rating to be safe. One-shot.


A/N: This is me trying something new. I hope you give it a chance (and don't flame me). It's VERY heavy AU.

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In hindsight, he could have said so many things. There are so many expressions he could have used to tell her about his feelings. He could have not said anything and just shown her. He never had. There had been hints, there had been missed and failed chances. When he looks back, this is all he sees. All that he's got left now.

When he wakes up in the middle of the night – and he still does, he always will – he finds himself shaking, sweating. He thinks it's all been a dream; just a nightmare. Then he remembers; his heart always misses a beat when he remembers. It's happened. She's gone and he is not. She has left and he is here. He is dreaming about her every night. He blames himself for everything that has happened. It's too late to change anything.

"_I can't remember when I had a better time. I'm on cloud nine!" Daphne raved._

"_I'd have to see down to see cloud nine." Niles giggled happily. This was the most wonderful night he had ever experienced – and it wasn't even over yet. The glances everyone gave them, they were an added bonus, Niles thought. All that really mattered to him was Daphne. She was there with him and it was like a dream come true. He never wanted this night to end._

Winter passes silently. Christmas is the worst, but he never expected anything else. Eventually, it passes as well. Snow falls and for a while it covers up his profound sadness. He drinks too much on New Year's Eve and kisses a woman he has never seen before. Finally, he rings in the first year without her by wailing like a baby in his father's arms. No one mentions the incident ever again.

"_Daphne, I must tell you again: That is an exquisite gown." Niles told her breathlessly. He could have spent the night just looking at her in that dress. It fitted her perfectly. _

"_Oh thanks, it was way out of me price range but did you ever see something and say 'I just have to have it'?" He felt like his legs would no longer support him. Wasn't this the moment he had been waiting for? The moment to tell her about his feelings? He just couldn't swallow his fear. Another chance missed. He consoled himself with the knowledge that he would get another chance. Soon. He was certain of that._

In spring, the sun makes everything worse. One morning at Nervosa, Niles sees a woman in a red sundress. He stumbles, his coffee cup shatters – as does his heart. Memories blur his vision and his knees give in. He lands next to the broken pieces, in a puddle of hot coffee. He wakes in a hospital room and Frasier and his father are there. They look sad and concerned. Despite the pain he feels, he knows why; it's not because of his minor burns, or his cracked rip. 'You need help, son', his father says with a raspy voice. Niles just nods automatically. They've told him before – so many times.

"_Don't be afraid, Daphne won't let anything happen to you."_

"_I just think-"_

"_Don't think, just feel." The next minutes would turn into the most treasured memories. Niles let go completely; there were no more boundaries, he didn't care about anyone staring, whispering about him and how Maris had treated him. There was no fear in showing Daphne how he felt. _

Summer drags on. He can't stand his family giving him pitiful looks. Roz has lost her spite; all she does is fall silent once he steps into Nervosa. Niles no longer socializes. Sometimes he sees patients, but eventually Frasier takes over. 'You're making them worse', he tells them but there is no bitterness in his voice. 'Everything _is_ worse, Frasier', Niles admits defeated. 'Niles, you need to-' But Frasier never finishes the sentence. He knows what – who – he needs. Saying it out loud, it only makes it worse. They don't mention her name, because it only causes pain. Niles no longer wants to feel. He visits a park, sits on a bench and watches life pass him by. He doesn't use sunscreen and his sensitive skin burns. It's a different pain, a different kind of feeling and he enjoys it.

"_Oh Daphne, I'm a new man! Do you have any idea what I'm feeling?" The strength and confidence he felt that moment were liberating. He had never felt this way before. Daphne shared his feelings, she had kissed him. Was this a dream, could this be reality? This was the right moment to tell her. He knew now that she felt the same way. _

"_Of course I do," Niles couldn't stop smiling, touching her. This was all he had ever wanted. "Your friends look positively dumb-struck. From now on there will be no more of that 'Oh, poor Niles!' attitude."_

"_Far from it." Just looking at her, he could see it. He saw their future like a short film; they would quickly move in together, make a beautiful home. He would ask her to marry him in the most romantic way imaginable. They would have children – as many as she wanted. They would grow old together. Niles saw it; he saw it all. _

"_I knew you were a good dancer, but I had no idea you were such a good actor." It wasn't his heart that broke; the picture shattered, blinded him for a moment and left him speechless. Just a dream, just a fantasy. Another chance gone by with nothing to show for it._

"This is how you see it? How you see yourself?"

Frasier recommended a female psychiatrist. Niles said no. He didn't want to talk to a woman - at least no woman who wasn't Daphne. His father eventually made him go. He always waited in the waiting room even though all those crazy people scared him – in his own words. They almost made Niles smile. So he sees a female psychiatrist twice a week.

"I could have told her it wasn't an act." He tells her, staring out the window. His own office doesn't have a window. He thinks it's a great idea to have one. There's a tree out there and he can see some kind of bird. Daphne would have known what bird it is. The thought pains him and for a moment he forgets where he is.

"Why didn't you?" She asks him the question he has asked himself every day since that night. He makes up scenarios where he does tell her: he tells before they arrive at the Snow ball, before the tango and when she tells him what a good actor he is. He tells her after that. He tells her every day after that night. Eventually, they all fall apart like a badly constructed house. They crash into a tree and die.

"She died." He answers, knowing it's not an answer to her question. Summer has turned into autumn and for the first time he feels something else; he feels like he doesn't want to end up like the leaves that fall from the trees. Trampled on, forgotten and eventually disposed of. Dead. For the first time in a year he doesn't want to be dead.

"She died because she never knew how I felt about her." Niles still avoids eye contact with that woman. She doesn't look like Daphne at all – she is small, somewhat chubby and has dark blond hair. Her eyes are as blue as his own. She is nothing like Daphne.

"Don't you think that's a bit harsh?"

"If I'd told her, she never would have felt the need to date some imbecile who… " Niles remembers the night in October. Daphne had looked forward to the date. She'd told them about the man she had met at Nervosa. Her eyes had danced happily when she had told them about his cute smile and love for Manchester United. Niles had endured the scene, because he wanted her to be happy – even if he had to watch her date other men. She had worn the red dress that night. To Niles, it had seemed like a stab into his heart. Then she had winked at him and whispered: 'It's me lucky dress. I hope I'll have at least half as much fun as the last time I wore this'. Those had been the last words she had ever spoken to him. Even to this day he can remember watching her turn around and walk out of the door. In his memory, the sound of the door closing had sounded louder than normally.

"Tell me what happened." She knows what had happened. Niles hadn't gone home that night. He had found reasons why he just had to stay over at Frasier's. His big brother, for once, had not commented on his feelings for Daphne. The call had come shortly after midnight. The three men had stared at each other silently. Niles had known the moment Frasier picked up the phone. His brother had looked at him in a way he had only done once before: right after their mother had died. Everything that had happened afterwards, Niles had to be told in small doses later. To this day, he doesn't remember all of it. He does remember Frasier telling him about the car crash, that Daphne's oh-so-perfect date had been too drunk to drive. He remembers wanting to yell at Daphne: "Why did you let him drive?" He recalls the emptiness that had overcome him when he realized that he would never be able to talk to her again. Ever again.

"You think you could have saved her if she had known how you felt about her?"

The way she says it gives Niles a funny feeling. Is this what Frasier feels like when he thinks he is the center of the universe? He directs his eyes at the woman who never knew Daphne – except from his memories. He wonders what she looks like in her imagination. For almost a year, Niles has been telling himself that Daphne had only had this accident because of him. She should have been with him, she should have never been in that car, with that guy. For the first time, he realizes that it could have happened anywhere. Any time. If he'd told her how he felt, who was to say she would have felt the same way?

"I-I-I always thought I could have."

"You need to let go, Niles. It was an accident. You're not to blame."

Autumn brings the much needed change. There are good days and very terrible ones. His family is always by his side. A few times he's seen women smile at him. He is not ready to think about them, about dating – at the moment he can't imagine loving anyone but Daphne. He hasn't been able to think of others ever since he's met her. There's still some road ahead of him. 'You can still tell her', his father tells him one night after dinner. It's October and the anniversary of her death is approaching way too fast. 'Dad, I can't-', 'You should. It helps, son.' Eventually, he finds himself on a plane with Frasier. Daphne's parents decided to bury her at "home". For Niles, Daphne's home is Seattle – by his side, in his heart. Frasier accompanies him to her grave, then leaves him alone. Niles stares at the cold, granite headstone and can't believe it's all that's left of her. Hesitantly, he touches it. Tears spring to his eyes. He draws his hand back and puts it in his coat pocket. His fingers collide with something. It's when he remembers. Carefully, he takes out the small wooden unicorn. When he had found it some time ago, he didn't remember buying it. Daphne had told him once about her passion for unicorns. He must have bought it as a gift and then forgotten about it. It is the last gift he can give her. Carefully, he puts it next to the headstone. He thinks it looks nice there.

"Daphne, I-" He hasn't spoken the name in so long, not like this. He isn't used to addressing her anymore. The name feels foreign, twists his tongue.

"I-I… there's something I always meant to tell you. I love you. I've probably loved you since the moment I first laid my eyes on you. You probably think I'm lying, because you were only wearing sweats and your hair looked out of place but Daphne… you should have seen your smile. I'll never forget your smile. Of course, I learned to love you. All your little flaws that make you who you are – were. I can't do this – I…" He turns around and looks for Frasier, but he is nowhere to be seen. Niles has to do this alone.

"I didn't mean to wait so long to tell you. There was always something holding me back. Maris… I'm no longer married to Maris. She didn't want a depressed husband," he laughs bitterly, remembering the quick and painless divorce, "If you were here now… we could go on a proper date. We could go dancing again. That tango." The memory is too vivid, too painful. Niles tries to pretend to be his own psychiatrist. He would tell his patient to go on. To always go on until everything has been said.

"You'll always be my greatest regret – and the love of my life. My goddess and my… my angel." He cries when he realizes what he's just said.

"I love you, Daphne. I'll always love you, but I guess it's time for goodbye."

Niles shuffles off and doesn't look back. A part of him expects her to just appear out of nowhere and smile at him. 'Just kidding! I'm alive!' Niles knows it's just his brain playing tricks on him. It's just his inability to cope with her death, even one year later.

"Niles, ready to go?" It's Frasier who appears out of nowhere. Niles isn't ready to go – he can't imagine ever being ready to go on, but he nods. Frasier distracts him with innate chit-chat. In a moment of inadvertence, Niles finds himself smiling at something his big brother says.

Maybe there is hope after all.

**END**


End file.
